Husband Treating badly in comparison to Mother and Sister

Question: My husband treats me differently in comparison with the way he deals with his mother and his sisters, and I always feel like there is a barrier between him and me. So what is the ruling on such interaction?

Answer: As for the man, he should give the preference to his mother if he wants above his wife. He should also be kinder to her than he is to his wife, this is the first matter. Secondly, this does not mean that he neglects her, because one of the most difficult obligations in Allaah’s deen is to give everyone their rights; that he gives his wife her rights and he gives his mother her rights, and so forth. Thus,what is waajib upon the man is that he deals correctly with his wife because the wife cannot be lead be simply doing what is rational, and the mistaken one is he who argues with his wife and wants to lead her by means of arguments and proofs. Allaah ( تعالى ) says, “Or one who is brought up in adornments (wearing silk and gold ornaments), and in dispute cannot make herself clear?”6 Hence, a woman has very strong emotions and her emotions are more dominant then her rationality, this is why the Messenger ( صلى الله عليه وسلم ) stated that they are “Deficient in their intelligence and their deen”7 which means that their emotions overpower their rationality. This does not mean that there are no women whose intelligence surpasses that of men. Fifty years ago there was a woman in Libya who excelled pass the men in fiqh, and the people used to call her ‘Waqaayah’ (i.e. the safeguard), and when it came to difficult issues they used to say, “Go to

Waqaayah, for indeed her faculties of sense are better than that of our scholars.” A woman is lead by gentle, ‘nice’ talk. Ibn ‘Abbaas said regarding the tafseer of the ayah, “Or one who is brought up in adornments (wearing silk and gold ornaments), and in dispute cannot make herself clear?” “A man has the ability

to change every point of contention that the woman mentions into a proof against her.” Because in an argument she cannot fully express herself, thus she is in need of ‘nice’ talk that would uplift her spirits, and this is why the sharee’ah made it permissible to lie to her regarding matters that do deny her rights.  This is the secret in dealing with women, that you make the woman feel that you truly need her, and she has what you need, then you will not find anyone more happy than her. This is the nature of women. It is wrong that the husband makes her feel this way and neglects her feelings. Nonetheless, he should give mother precedence over his wife and give everyone their rights without leading her to  have such feelings. He should not make her feel that his mother or his sister are competitors along with her, rather he should make her feel that he cannot do without her and that he is full of love for her, and that she is his priority. Our Rabb commanded us to live in goodness with the women, “And live with them honorably.”9 The Prophet ( صلى الله عليه وسلم ) said, “Treat the women good for they are like captives with you.”10 And the best of you is he who is best to his family. We ask Allaah to guide us all to that which he loves and is pleased with.

 

Source: A variety of comprehensive questions from www.troid.org asked to shiekh Mashoor hafidullaha

Question: What is the best way to solve marital problems?

Question: What is the best way to solve marital problems?

Answer: It is not possible to solve marital problems except that a man understands that his wife is weak. Or that Allaah settles that which occurs between them with regards to their differences. The issue is not that the husband is always correct, and if the wife is correct and the husband is incorrect, then this erodes his masculinity or his authority, no.

“And in whatsoever you differ, the decision thereof is with Allaah.” (Ash-Shuraa: 10)

“But no, by your Lord, they can have no Faith, until they make you a judge in all disputes between them, and find in themselves no resistance against your decisions, and accept (them) with full submission.” (An-Nisaa’: 65)

“And if you differ in anything amongst yourselves, refer it to Allaah and His Messenger, if you believe in Allaah and in the Last Day.” (An-Nisaa’: 59)

The premise of of husband is that he should some fiqh, and that he knows when an how to solve matters. It is quite possible that problems can occur in the house. So since the man is one who has the authority he should remain calm until these problems are resolved. Thereafter he should use his wisdom, masculinity, and counsel. What is always blameworthy is harsh, severe interactions. I would inform you of something that I hope Allaah would make it a benefit for us all;

The secret to a husband being successful in his interactions with his wife is for him to compensate for her weakness. A woman is weak and emotional. Hence, if you want to make her a happy wife then make amends that is in accordance with her weakness, and always make her feel that you are in constant need of her and you cannot do without her. Fulfill her emotional needs, comfort her feelings. When the Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) informed us that the woman is “Deficient in her intelligence.” Al-Bukhaaree (hadeeth nos. 294), he did not meant it to be a belittlement of women, however what he was illustrating to us is how to deal with a woman. The most miserable man is the one who whenever a dispute occurs between him and his wife he says to her, “let’s leave off emotions and deal with the issue based on intelligence.” What does it mean that she is “Deficient in her intelligence?” That is, her intelligence is deficient in comparison to her emotions, for her emotions are very strong. So you men are deficient in emotions. You have full intellect because intelligence is something that is relative. The woman is deficient in her intelligence and the man is deficient his emotions. So Allaah created males with faculties that suits his being and He created females with faculties that suits her nature. This is why both spouses would not obtain amicability until they both return to the deen of Allaah, and that they both know their rights in the deen of Allaah.

So therefore whenever there occurs problems between you all and you want to advise your wife, the most important thing is that you first of all sympathise with her feelings and emotions until she becomes calm, then you begin to counsel. How easy is a woman, however how complicated is she! Because her emotions are ever changing. And from the mercy of our Lord to the woman is that He made her heart ever changing, whereby if she is divorced, the second husband becomes the most beloved, and if he dies the and remarries, the third is the most beloved to her, and this is in accordance with the legislation of Allaah.

A woman would be just fine with her father, however by seeing that particular man once, she forgets about her father, her brother…and then you become her priority. So fulfill her emotional needs and you will find peace and relaxation.

Husbands make certain mistakes, and one of the most serious mistakes they make is that they treat their wives like how they treat another man, or they speak to them as they speak to their mothers or sisters; this is wrong. The wife is a creation that is weak and you were also created weak, “And man was created weak.” What surah is this ayah mentioned? An-Nisaa’. And what context did it come? The man’s necessity for a woman. You are in need of her, you’re weak because desires within men are strong. So you compensate your weakness through her, and therefore let her compensate for her weakness through you. And should never forget to offer her words of advice her because husbands are either neglectful, unconcerned with the affairs of their wives whereby they let them do whatever they want by failing to command or prohibit them, or they are harsh and extreme whereby all they do is complain, criticize, find fault, and compare their wives with other pretty women, especially if they watch cable, this is an affliction. Be contended with what Allaah has provided for you as this is your choice, and I think by these words of advice a husband can correctly guide his wife.

(Transcribed from the weekly Question and Answer session by Shaykh Mashhoor Salmaan: 11/25/06)

The Necessity of Teaching Our Children to Despise Terrorism & the Terrorists

The Necessity of Teaching Our Children to Despise

Terrorism & the Terrorists

  

All praise and thanks are due to Allāh, and may peace and prayers be upon the messenger of Allāh ( subhanwataala ). To proceed:

 

Allegiance & Enmity Concerning Opposition to Terrorism

 

The prophet ( salaala hu alaihee wa salaam ) said: Each of you is a shepherd and each is responsible for his flock. The leader is the shepherd and responsible for his flock. A man is a shepherd over his family and responsible for his flock. A woman is a shepherd at her husband’s home and  esponsible for her flock. A servant is a shepherd over the property of his landlord and responsible for his flock. And a man is a shepherd over the property of his father and responsible for his flock. So, each of you is a shepherd and responsible and will be questioned about his flock. A father is responsible for teaching his children about moral virtue – to love it and act by it. And he is responsible for warning them against immoral evil, for instructing them to hate it, and to distance them from it. So, for example, he teaches them to worship Allāh alone which is in harmony with the natural disposition Allāh created people upon. He teaches them to love worship and obedience (to Allāh), accustoming them to it. He instills within them displeasure for disbelief, immorality, and disobedience (to Allāh). He is also responsible for eaching them a middle-balance in Islam, its tolerance, its justice and moderation, and he must explain these points for them. Likewise, he is responsible for making clear to them the dangers of intolerance, extremism – and terrorism. He tells them what corruption is and who the corruptors are. One of the most important issues of belief parents (and anyone else in charge) are responsible for is to educate their children about allegiance and enmity, love and hate. The strongest type of faith is to like for the sake of Allāh, dislike for the sake of Allāh, show loyalty for the sake of Allāh, and to show enmity for the sake of  Allāh.2

 

So, it is necessary to let them know tolerance and moderation in this regard in which many people have fallen into either excessiveness or neglect. They should be taught to  like Islam, Muslims, and to support them even by supplicating for them. Similarly, they are taught to dislike disbelief (in Allāh) and whatever of disbelief non-Muslims believe in without supporting them in this regard. With this, it must be explained that displeasure with nonbelievers in no way means we may oppress or harm them or show hostility towards them. Rather, Allāh has ordered us to be just with them. He has, for example, allowed us to eat the food prepared by the People of the Book (Jewish & Christians), marry among them, and to invite them to the religion of Islam, yet with wisdom and gentle preaching and only argue in a dignified manner.

  

Hatred for Terrorism & the Terrorists

 One of the issues we are required to do is raise our children, cultivating within them abhorrence for terrorism and terrorists – exposing them, their plots, and their patterns. And we must isolate our children from them and distance children from following their way and objective.

 It should be clarified for them that these terrorists are a people astray, deviously perverting (Islam). Devils have influenced them, seduced and misled them. Satan uses such people to spread evil and corruption. Even those who show enmity towards Muslims like Zionists and others may be happy to see such bombings and destruction commit by terrorists in Muslim lands. It should be explained to our children that the bombings terrorists carry out while trying to use the Quran and Sunnah in support of it is nothing more than an attempt to deceive and betray people. Also, they are advised to be glad when terrorists, even one of them, are stopped (arrested, etc.) and put away. Children should be taught that by even one terrorist’s arrest or being stopped, this is a victory for Islam and Muslims; it is a relief and comfort to Muslims without the evil of such a destructive terrorist.

  

They are certainly days of happiness and joy when we hear of a terrorist’s plot being exposed or a terrorist’s crime prevented, or even if capital punishment is carried out upon a criminal terrorist. We must neither display nor feel sympathy for terrorists when they are defeated so that our children see no contradicting behavior nor give terrorists the benefit of doubt. And if they ever do see someone displaying any type of grief over the death of a terrorist  then it should be explained that such may be sadness in the sense remorse over their situation – how Satan deceived and destroyed them, and not in a sense of liking the terrorists. Terrorist acts are to be taken very seriously (when discussing them with children) and treated with firm resolve and strictness as should the terrorists themselves. This is so that those who don’t yet know the truth about them don’t begin to sympathize with them. These are not simply things we say only in our spare time and they are not lessons we could ever stress enough! But we have to make it genuinely clear to our kids the crimes terrorists commit seeking nothing more than devastation. They do so even in Mecca and Medina, even killing believers in Mecca… We make it clear to them that these people murder men, children, women, and the elderly while the victims are peacefully sleeping. They even do so while some (the Muslims among them) are praying and reading the Quran. We must clarify to our children that the terrorists, the misguided sect known as the Khawārij, are faithless traitors when they murder Non-Muslim foreigners, those whose service our nations have requested only for the well-being of our own countries and homelands.

And we let our children know that such terrorists have no objective but killing and

desolation in the name of “Jihād”. They’re deprived of all intellect and wisdom. Rather, they’re like mere devices that move only to explode and devastate with the consent of none but the enemies of the religion of monotheism.

 

 

Warning against the Path Leading to Terrorism

 

It’s the obligation of every Muslim and to protect himself and those under his care from any means that could lead to extremism, intolerance, and terrorism. Allāh (subhanwataala) says:  Oh believers, save yourselves and your families from a fire whose fuel is people and stones, over which are (appointed) angels, harsh and severe. They don’t disobey Allāh in what He commands them, but do (everything) they are instructed. [Sūrah al-Taḥrīm, verse 66:06]

 It makes no sense to warn ourselves and our children against terrorism and extremism and then expose them to the very means that lead to it. Rather, it’s our obligation to caution them against and separate them from any path leading to intolerance and terrorism. So, we warn them from excessiveness and intolerance, from associating with evil people, and from sitting with misguided people. And we encourage them to spend time with righteous people and stay away from uncertain places.

 

 

I ask Allāh to shelter us and our children from extremism and corruption and to make them righteous people encouraging others to righteousness. And Allāh knows best. May Allāh send peace and prayers upon our prophet, Muhammad

 

 

1 Recorded by al-Bukhārī (no. 893), Muslim (no. 1829), al-Tirmidhī (no. 1705), Abū Dāwūd (no.

2928, and others.

 

2 Recorded by al-Bazzār and al- Ṭabarānī from Ibn Abbās (), considering it a Marfū’ ḥadīth,

raised to the level of being a statement of the prophet ().

 Author: Abū ‘Umar al-‘Utaybī www.answering-extremism.com

What are the conditions For the Acceptance of Actions?

An action is not accepted by Allaah the Blessed and the Exalted, except if it contains two conditions:

Firstly: It should be done purely for the Face of Allaah the Mighty and Majestic.

Secondly: It should be righteous and it cannot be righteous, except if it is established from the sunnah, without opposing it. It has been confirmed by the researchers from the people of knowledge that every alleged act of worship that the Prophet (sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) did not legislate by his statement, or which he did not perform in order to get closer to Allaah – is in opposition to the sunnah. So the sunnah consists of two parts, sunnatul fi’iliyyah (the sunnah of actions) and sunnatut tarkiyyah (the sunnah of abandonment). So whatever the Prophet (sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) left off from acts of worship, then it is a sunnah to leave them off. Do you not see the likes of this in the adhaan (call to prayer) for the two ‘eeds, and in burying the dead, even though a person may be engaged in the remembrance and glorification of Allaah the Mighty and Majestic. It is not permissible to draw near to Allaah by that.

Indeed the Companions understood of the Prophet (sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) understood this meaning, so they issued general warnings against innovations such as what is mentioned regarding this topic from Hudthayfah (radiyallaahu ‘anhu). He said: “Every act of worship that the Companions of the Messenger of Allaah did not perform, then do not perform it.” ‘Abdullaah Ibn Mas’ood (radiyallaahu ‘anhu) said: “Follow and do not invent, for indeed you have been sufficed. Stick to the old matters. [2]

So whoever has his worship established from Allaah upon conformity to the sunnah of His Prophet (sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam), and does not let it become mixed in with innovation, then let him rejoice in Allaah’s acceptance of his obedience. Allaah will surely place him in Paradise. May Allaah make us from those who hear the statement, and then obey in goodness.

Know that the innovation that you shall encounter is of two types:

Innovations which were extrapolated from a text, and their novelty is mentioned in the books of the people of knowledge, and this is a sign that it is traced back to them, and this type is abundant.

The other type is innovations that are not found in any text, rather the knowledge based principles and foundations judge them to be innovations. So this is proof that they are void in origin.

So these innovations emanate from the following matters:

Firstly: Weak hadeeths. It is not permissible to use them as evidences, or to attribute them to the Prophet (sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam). According to what I have explained in the introduction to ‘Sifatus Salaatin Nabee‘, the likes of this is not a permissible action with us, and this was the methodology of a group of the people of knowledge such as Ibn Taymiyyah.

Secondly: Fabricated hadeeths, or those which there is no basis for. Their matter is well known to some of the fuqahaa` (legal jurists), yet they still base their rulings upon them. These are from the very essence of innovations and newly invented matters!

Thirdly: Reasoning, and approvals (istihsaanaat) made by some of the legal jurists – especially the later ones from amongst them – not supported by any legislative proofs. Rather they are carried on as accepted matters of the Muslims, until they are made sunnahs to be followed! It is not hidden from one who has insight into his Religion, that this is not permissible to be followed, since nothing can be legislated except for that which is legislated by Allaah. So if an action is acceptable according to the approver – if he is a mujtahid – then Allaah will not punish him for it. As for the people who take that as legislation, or a sunnah, then no. So how can that be when some of these actions oppose the sunnah-related actions, as will follow if Allaah the Exalted wishes.

Fourthly: Customs or superstitions which are not from the Revelation, and are not testified to by the intellect, even though some of the ignorant people may act upon them, and take them as revelation. These cannot be supported by their authorities, even if some of them are from the callers to knowledge, or from those who have their appearance.

Then you should know that the danger of these innovations is not only in one matter, rather it is upon levels. Some of them are clear shirk (associating partners with Allaah) and disbelief, as you shall see, and some of them are less than that. However, it is obligatory upon us to know that the smallest innovation a man brings into the Religion is prohibited after its matter is clarified. So innovations are not – as some people think – at the level of dislike (makrooh) only. How can that be when the Messenger of Allaah (sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) has said: “Every innovation is a misguidance, and every misguidance is in the Fire.”? [3] That means, the one who does it is in the Fire.

Indeed Imaam ash-Shaatibee has confirmed this with the best of explanations in his book, ‘al-I’itisaam‘. Due to this, the matter of innovation is a great danger. Most of the people are ignorant about it, except for a group from the people of knowledge. So enough for you as a proof regarding the danger of innovation is the statement of the Messenger of Allaah: “Verily Allaah veils the repentance of every person of innovation, until he leaves his innovation.” This is related by Tabaraanee, and by Diyaa`ul Maqdisee in ‘al-Ahaadeethul Mukhtaarah‘, and other than them with an authentic chain of narrators, and al-Mundthiree declared it good. (hasan) [4]

So I finish with these great words of advice to the reader from a great scholar from the early scholars of the Muslims. He was Shaykh Hasan Ibn ‘Alee al-Barbahaaree, from the companions of the companions of Imaam Ahmad, he died in the year 329H. He said:

“So beware of small innovations, because they grow until they are large. Such was the case with every innovation invented into this Ummah. At first it was small, resembling the truth, so some were deceived by that and entered into it. Then it was not possible for them to leave from it, so it grew, and the Religion was split into religions due to it. So look – may Allaah have mercy upon you – into the statements of everyone you hear from, in you age particularly. So do not rush into, or enter into anything until you ask and see: ‘Did anyone from the Companions of the Messenger of Allaah (sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam), or anyone from amongst the scholars talk about it?’ So if you find a narration from them, then hold fast to it. Do not exceed it by anything, and do not give anything precedence over it, so as to fall into the Fire.

So know – may Allaah have mercy upon you – that a servants Islaam is not complete until he becomes and obedient, truthful Muslim. So whoever alleges that something remains from the matter of Islaam, not completed by the Companions of the Messenger of Allaah (sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam), then he has indeed lied upon them, and has caused a schism by doing this, and he has lied upon them. So he is an innovator, misguided and misguiding, innovating into Islaam what is not in it. [5]

May Allaah have mercy upon Imaam Maalik since he said:

“The latter part of this ummah will not be rectified, except by that which rectified its first part. So whatever was not part of the Religion in those days, cannot be part of the Religion today. [6]

May Allaah have mercy upon our Prophet (sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) who said:

“I have not left anything that will bring you close to Allaah, except that I have commanded you with it, and I have not left anything that will distance you from Allaah and bring you close to the Fire, except that I have forbidden you from it. [7]

The Praise is due to Allaah, by whose favour righteous actions are perfected.

Footnotes:

[1] This is a translation of (p. 100-105) of the book, ‘Hujjatun Nabee‘ by shaykh Muhammad Naasirud Deen al-Albaanee.

[2] Translators Note: Reported authentically in ad-Daarimee (no.211) at-Tabaraanee in al-Kabeer (no. 8870), al-Bayhaqee (no. 204), Ibn Wadaah in Bid’ah wan-Nahee ‘Anhaa p. 10, and also from Qataadah on p.11. Also related by Abee Khaythamah in al-’Ilm (no. 54). Shaykh al-Albaanee has authenticated the narration in Bid’ah wan-Nahee ‘Anhaa.

[3] Translators Note: See: Saheeh Muslim (3/11), Ahmad (3/381), Nisaa`ee (1/234), al-Bayhaqee (3/214). A full checking of this hadeeth can be found in the book, ‘Khutbatul Haajah‘ by shaykh Muhammad Naasirud Deen al-Albaanee.

[4] Translators Note: See Silsilatul Ahaadeethus Saheehah (no. 1620).

[5] Related in Tabaqaatul Hanaabilah (2/18-19), of Ibn Abee Ya’alaa.

[6] Translators Note: Related in ash-Shifaa` of Qaadee `Iyyaadh, (2/676).

[7] Translators Note: Related in the Sunan of Imaam ash-Shaafi’ee (1/14), and by al-Bayhaqee (7/76), and by al-Khateeb in al-Faqeeh wal-Mutafaqqih (1/93). See shaykh Saleem al-Hilaalee’s introduction to his checking on Hidaayatus Sultaan for a proper checking of this hadeeth.

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